Marriage seems to have become a living contract rather than an eternal covenant. It is proven that half of all marriages within the US end in divorce. (AACAP 2004) These statistics are alarming and escalating at incredible rates. What went wrong? What should have gone right? What can be done about it and does anyone still care? Through many years of working in marriage ministry and mentoring couples young and old, I have discovered seven key components to building a healthy marriage that can last a lifetime.
Be CommittedCommitment is the foremost decision to make before you are wed, beginning with, “from this day forward...” It has been proven that couples with a mind set of believing they are marrying “until death do us part” have a fifty percent greater chance of weathering storms that come their way during their marriage than those who marry believing if the relationship becomes too turbulent, divorce is always an option.
Going into marriage with the attitude that you are committed for life with the one you have married, will make a drastic impact on how every conflict is handled therefore reducing the chances of divorce.
When we marry, we are deeply in love, wishing only the best for our spouses and expecting only the best from them. When we dated our spouses, we always put them first, giving 100% of ourselves, our time and our attention. Their needs, wants and desires became ours. We thought alike, laughed over the same things, and enjoyed believing in one another. Every day was new and fresh with the excitement of what it may have held. Selfishness was not in either spouse’s vocabulary, for each one did everything they could to please the other.
After the wedding, it is easy to get comfortable and think about our relationships as being planted firmly and unshakable. All too soon, the other spouse is no longer top priority. Other things come into play, such as a new job, hobby or interest. One spouse slacks off with responsibilities, and the other feels they are carrying more than half the weight in the relationship. If this is you, a check and balance system should be adopted and both spouses need to comply. Giving 100% at all times means there are no gaps. Both spouses are cared for completely. One spouse may have to change jobs and more hours at work are involved. The spouse with the same routine may need to pick up some of the slack of the other for a time. Giving 100% allows there to be an overlap when one spouse cannot give as much as the other for a time. This system allows needs to be met, responsibilities to be covered providing a peaceful home and joyful relationship that can remain even when tides shift and waters are turbulent. If either spouse neglects more than their fair share, burdens are felt by both spouses and patience grows thin between the couple. If the weight of one spouse is carried for too long, the other will crumble while animosity and grudges can form. Just as a jackhammer is destructive in breaking up good soil, so it can be if spouses do not cover one another in hard times and soften the blows of change. Marriages are give and take relationships. There is always giving, but once in a while, one may need to give more than the other for the time being. This sacrifice of giving makes up for slack, holds things together for a time, and maintains balance long enough for the couple to return to their routines or make the necessary adjustments while depositing richly into their reserves once again. This is what helps weather storms that would ordinarily sink a marriage temporarily treading on shaky ground. Giving 100% never sees gaps, always covers for bumps in the road of life and ensures there is always enough to sustain the marriage.
Power of ApologyThe simple word, “I’m Sorry”, is quite powerful actually. Saying you’re sorry can be healing and opens the door to restoration. What could take years to overcome when ignored can be forgiven and forgotten in a moment’s time if only a few words are sincerely spoken. When an apology is left unsaid, bitterness can easily grow in the heart leaving little room for love and kindness to emerge.
Simply say you’re sorry and be willing to make the needed changes to prove your sincerity. The event may or may not have been your fault. Either way, whatever touches our spouse touches us as well. If we are to maintain a healthy relationship with those we love, particularly our spouses, sorry should not only roll naturally but immediately off of our tongues. In marriages, a spouse normally does not want to hurt their beloved partner, but desires to help heal and restore them when they have been wronged. Apologizing does not allow buried offenses to harden and corrode the very walls of the heart. Saying sorry cuts through the pain and opens the wound to heal. A soft answer turns away wrath (Prov. 15:1). When you are approached with a gentle, caring apology, it makes it difficult to remain angry and cold to the one offering reconciliation. Saying you’re sorry begins the necessary process of healing and forgiveness. Saying you’re sorry for offenses you’ve committed makes good relationships better and great relationships outstanding.
Agreement Being in agreement with one another is very important. Without this vital key in a marriage, boiling arguments are inevitable. Disagreements can create conflict, strife and unnecessary anxiety. Stress will literally rot your bones therefore why not prevent excessive stress from getting the best of you by setting some guidelines for agreement right from the beginning?
Important areas to agree on in the relationship are spending limits whether you are together or apart, individual roles of one another in the home, who the main provider will be and how much supplemental income may be needed from the other spouse. Other things to consider agreeing upon early on the marriage are whether to make major purchases individually or not, who is responsible for balancing the checkbook as well as paying bills, whether education will play a role in either spouse’s life after the wedding or how many children to have and when to begin having them. Discipline of the children, life and death decisions involving insurance, retirement funds and inheritance issues, friendships after marriage, television and music influences in the home are all issues that will arise after the wedding. If an agreement has not been made over these issues prior to encountering them, friction can lead to misunderstanding, quarreling and finally dysfunction. Being in agreement with your spouse creates stability in the relationship, happiness in the home and peace within the soul. Agreeing to disagree on notable topics can make a marriage strong and pliable.
Common InterestsWhat normally bring two people together are common interests. Where you met, what you were doing and who you were with all have a bearing on whether you want to get to know someone better or not. If the chemistry is not there, chances are you cannot create it later on. Laws of attraction are powerful. As people grow older, changes occur; not just physically but quite often emotionally and socially. It is important to remain involved in some way with some of your spouse’s interests and hobbies. While you both may not have everything in common, enjoying some things together will create harmony and a sense of togetherness into your marriage. When one spouse wants to do something the other does not, often it is a sacrifice of love for the spouse who would rather be fishing than scrapbooking or vice versa to willingly engage in the sometimes dreadful event. Couples still need time alone to enjoy activities apart from their spouses. The blending of two lives in to one does not mean the individual spouse loses them self altogether in their mate. It just means a new life for the both of them takes place and they are joined as one with their own personalities, likes, dislikes and lifestyles blending to complete each other more fully. Taking the time to share in your spouse’s joys and sorrows, fun and sometimes boring events can cause the relationship to grow deeper and closer than ever before.
Forgiving Forever This is probably one of the hardest tasks to accomplish in one’s life let alone in a marriage. Forgiveness breaks through barriers, speaks in a multitude of languages and is an extremely important factor in a marriage.
Whether you’ve been wronged through an offense on purpose or accidentally, offenses hurt and sometimes they cut to the deepest core of your inner being. Time does heal, but often, time is not enough. Forgiveness does not condone an offense; it only wipes it away, puts it in the past and keeps it there. This is what makes forgiveness such a vital component in a marriage. While married, there will be offenses dealt as well as unfortunate misunderstandings that can lead to feelings of deep pain and trust being tested. Without forgiveness, offenses can be held in the heart, dangled over heads, and used as a weapon against the other spouse causing further complications. Forgiveness paves the way for healing and restoration. Without this essential ingredient, it is just a matter of time before the marriage becomes too burdened down by past offenses that prevent spouses from living in the present or hoping for a future together. Eventually the relationship may dissolve and each spouse goes their own way. Forgiveness is tough usually needs a supernatural element from God to ensure it is final. Both spouses must be willing to seek forgiveness at any cost. Just as love can last a lifetime, forgiveness needs to be forever with no looking back, bringing up old offenses, or holding grudges.
Throughout marriage there can be many reasons forgiveness will be needed. Broken trust is a common occurrence in most marriages. When forgiveness is genuinely offered and accepted, and wayward actions confessed and turned from, the marriage can become stronger and spouses can become closer than they had been before trust was broken between them. Forgiveness is refreshing and may not always be deserved but is truly a treasured gift shared within the marriage.
CommunicationCommunication is transmission of information and can make or break a marriage. Spouses hold their own opinions to things, have fresh ideas, can encourage, strengthen, comfort, provide insightful thoughts, as well as share deep issues of their hearts. Good communication promotes a healthy marriage in which the couple can grow and succeed in their relationship. Bad communication can rip apart the bond between husband and wife leaving both spouses feeling empty and looking for an escape route.
Many things can break down communication in a marriage such as lack of good listening skills, unclear messages, gender differences and preconceived ideas. Good listening skills are of utmost importance requiring and include eye to eye contact, feedback (asking if what the listener heard was what the speaker was actually saying), timing of the chosen topic to communicate is considered, transparency on the part of both speaker and listener, careful thought in the way the subject matter is presented as well as gesturing by a nod or similar action you are hearing what the speaker is saying. With these steps in mind, decisions can be made harmoniously and conflicts resolved immediately. Issues of major concern might be how many children you want and when to begin having them, where you will live and what careers you both want to purse with each other’s blessing and support, a decision involving the health of a spouse, a change in employment or if an in law should move in, require communication that is both clear and concise. When poor communication takes place there are misunderstandings and fault seeking which commonly leads to blame-shifting. Frustration and high anxiety as well as a distance between the couple that develops and further bridges the gap over time naturally occurs. Communication is like the glue that provides a solid binding material to permanently support indifferences and accomplishments within a marriage. Just as glue hardens and becomes inseparable, so it should be with the covenants made within a marriage.
Being Thankful Last, but not least, is thankfulness. Gratitude goes far and is remembered long after it is offered. There are so many things in life to be thankful for, and our spouse should be at the top of the list. When we are thankful, it gives us a sense of appreciation we can get from nothing else in life. Through good times and in bad, thankfulness for having met our spouse and committing our lives to them through marriage deepens the relationship.
Think of the times you were thankful and those you were not. Times of thankfulness were far more fulfilling than those times we sulked in our self-pity. Why not choose to be thankful rather than ungrateful? Being thankful humbles and reminds us to look around and be content with such things that we have (Phil. 4:11). Making thankfulness a high priority in our lives not only makes us feel good, but it also makes our spouse feel appreciated which in turn reaps a harvest of gratitude in return. This concept is a wonderful, endless cycle to get caught up in. It seems when we are not thankful, everything in life looks bitter. Skies are darker, flowers lose their scents, people irritate us more and life just seems depressing. Thankfulness in a marriage makes life sweeter and the rewards are bountiful.
Seven Steps to a Healthy Marriage was written with all marriages in mind. Maybe you are newlyweds just setting out on this great adventure with the one you love. Or possibly you are celebrating your twenty-fifth anniversary and want to make changes that would allow you to grow closer to the one you have spent so much of your life with. Perhaps you have less time with your spouse ahead of you than what is left behind you and the richness in your relationship has been thinned to immeasurable amounts. The success of your marriage relies heavily upon the weight of its benefactors. Marriage is not only sacred but is a covenant between you, your spouse and God; the original designer of marriage. If when committing to marriage you are vowing to truly remain married in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, ‘til death do you part - than the health of your marriage is just a matter of exercising these profound steps that will ensure the best chance possible of a rich and loving life together.
