Saturday, November 29, 2008

In The Midst of Unwanted Change


Recently I experienced change in a most dramatic way. My husband and I helped my son, daughter-in-law and two precious grandchildren move to Phoenix, Arizona. 1,200 miles away, to a land full of warm sunshine, beautiful lightening shows, friendliness amongst the people, and order within the cities walls is where they now call home. How my heart sank as we drove south through California and then west into Arizona. Life had taken a sharp turn and I felt left behind and immobile.
I know God promises He never changes. Hebrews 13:8 says He is the same, yesterday, today and forever. But somehow this did not comfort my soul at first. I wrestled with what I wanted, thought best for everyone and needed. I gave little regard to where God’s hand may have been leading my sweet family to a brighter place; a place with new opportunities that would help them grow closer to Him. I felt my heart breaking as I pondered on the day I would have to hug my grandbabies, Nathen and Tahlya goodbye. I felt my knees shake as I knew I would not see Doug, my son and Jessica, my daughter-n-law, much longer. The pangs were almost too much to bear, yet I knew God was near.

Change did come. I wrote a memoir of the sadness I felt, the effects of this change I saw as nothing but distance between my dear family and me, and the relentless hope I experienced during this time of change. God gently took my hand over the next few days and was there when I woke as I text the kids a prayer for a good day. God was there when I walked through an empty heart of despair that took my breath away with every step. God held me when I gathered the kids’ things together to put in a care package to send to them. He comforted me in the midst of my tears when I realized Sundays from now on, I would no longer have my grandchildren by my side at church, we would not have lunch together afterward and I wouldn’t chat with Doug and Jess before they took the kids home. When I felt my heart being pulled apart at each end, God reminded me He was there.

I titled this memoir, Half a Heart, and realized this was just not so. I gave my heart to Jesus at nineteen and never took it back, so how could half of it be gone? God was lovingly teaching me something here. Who have I pledged my life to? Was I living for my family or for God Himself? This thought floored me as I sat deeply contemplating whom I had allowed my affections to belong to. I give affection to my grandchildren, my son and daughter-in-law; I cannot give them my heart. As long as God is the keeper of my heart, neither myself nor Satan, should have such a hold on me I can’t exist another day. What was I thinking? God was moving part of my family, part of me, to a better place and this choice of God’s led me to shaky knees, a wounded heart, relentless hope and emptiness to the point of despair? Something was out of place. 2008 is a year of new beginnings. Was I hindering this work of the Lord in my family through my own selfish desires?

I repented for allowing my family to own what was rightfully God’s, my heart. Although my emotions were pounded like raging waters against shores of infinite sand, I had allowed myself to be overtaken by feelings God could tame if I let Him. The pain that once stabbed so deeply finally lessened to a dulling numbness in my body. I realized I cannot live for my family; I must live for my God. The relationship I have with my family is one God has so richly blessed me with. It is a gift and one to be appreciated but not idolized. The benefit of sharing love so deep, so vast and wide is an overflow of the love God has for me and those whom I love so dearly. His love quickly covered me in a blanket of peace and calm. Being engulfed in His love and comfort caused me to embrace these changes in my life right now, as opposed to resenting them. Faith made its way into the depths of my heart. God, who is so deserving of my trust, surely has earned my dependence upon Him even when I don’t understand things. Oswald Chambers put it this way. “Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.”

God changes not. I depended on Him yesterday, I can depend on Him today, and I will depend on Him for tomorrow. Change may be inevitable, but my God can see me through any and all changes that may be gravely unwanted but desperately needed. Can you depend on God to be there through changes in your life?

Denise’s memoir visit www.created2bless.gather.com